Redrum Revisited...

Per Pirate cXc standards, we post a race report from one of those who actually raced. Please, cover your children's eyes, close and lock the door, turn off your safe search mode and get ready to be totally disgusted or laugh your phuggin' ass off. 

Enter the works of the one and only Captain Cuntwat; the teller of fat bike lore, the drinker of Yak semen and the lover of three legged boys.

A Bountiful Booty...

It has come to my attention that my services are needed; that my millions of fans have been holding their collective breaths, waiting for any sign of truth to emerge concerning last Saturday night’s Pirate cXc debauchery, also known as the Saturnalia of Phat.  Now, you haters of pork beware:  the following invective, which is a diatribe of cellulite-like proportions, is likely to offend everyone equally, especially those who doubt the power of the plump.
     Since my recent sex-change operation successfully made me a master of three-hole insertion merrymaking, I have embraced only the sexiest of night bike riding. So with considerable haste, I signed up for the first Pirate cXc race of the season, which took place on a full moon – my normal night wherein I dismember sundry prostitutes – and was abnormally pleasant weather for late January.  In observance of my devout religious intolerance I arrived in drag, as did many, including White Mike who appeared as a transsexual Elmo, countless 11 year old boys stuffed in his pants. The award for most prideful costume, though, went to Mrs. Amazon Monroe, and in the end his amore por de gordo brought him fame and fortune beyond all measure.
     Wait just a fucking hour….what the heaven do costumes and vodka flasks on fatties have to do with illegal night racing? Well, let’s just say that a Pirate cXc race gives new meaning to “cross”.  Again I get ahead of myself.  What exactly happened that night is of utmost importance when one needs definitive explanations of how they awoke Sunday morning with an ache in their anus and their man-bag stapled to their thigh.  I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of the Deevil, but if he had a dog in the fight he was without a doubt present at the time-bonus table ( or maybe at the end of the teeter totter licking his chops ).
     Powdered donuts pair well with beer, so says the local UCI Cicerone, who checked my tire width on every lap, which disqualified me from my normal spot on the podium.  Even after I consumed *348 of Chasm’s tall-boys on the starting line, my virginal Krampus strayed mightily, careening off many tree-shaped objects, otherwise know as trees.  On one lap I was “legitimately” forced to taste baby gravy in the back of my throat, as Joel stomped on my glutes, which involuntarily sent my twins spreading across my top tube.  I recovered quickly with the help of my cheerleaders, and was able to catch him in the deep, dark forest and deliver a felch on a magnitude of 8.9 on the Richter scale….
     And as it has been foretold, I sense in my ADD infested, sixth grade dropouts I call my readers, that a more gay-forward approach is necessary:  yes, I will now provide a list of a despicably insufficient narrative that is not without its inherent risks.

1.      Chris-go rode my white fatty and valiantly rescued fairy wings that were abandoned after Handleballs had his way with them.
2.      Postal Jeff and his trusty MukLuk snubbed the time-bonus table in favor of the free Girl Scout pole dances on the backside of the course.
3.      Speeding Jesus smoked me in the single-speed class…as if that is a rare occurrence.
4.      Jack Sparrow blew himself…I mean to say that he flatted his fatty during the pre-race rituals and was forced to ride Axel Rose’s Stumpjumper to the start/finish.
5.      T-Don was utterly frightened by my blazing speed and because of this he did not race…
6.      The Manimal and G-whiz were so slow that they only lapped me *46 times, a complete disgrace for Ethos Racing.
7.      The Silent Killer continued his dominance by giving an old-fashioned to everyone who doubted the advantage of an obese steed on a course designed by racist circus midgets.
8.      Cotter drinking enough for a small German village and still finishing ahead of me…what the fark?
9.      Chasm showing the entire world how imperative it is to dress to impress, and to leave the back door of your PBR jammies open for business.
10.  And last but not leased: some poor schmuck tried to be Paul Bunyan and plowed into the flora, breaking his arm in the process.  Only the picture leaked of me humping a deer was less embarrassing, which goes to show, a Pirate cXc race is not for the faint of heart: only those born without one.

Captain Cuntwat reporting….


Race No.2 - Black Beard...

All you need to know for now is on the poster. 
Hope to see you at Race No.2 of our Winter Night Race Series - Black Beard
Registration will open on Friday, February 8th at 10 a.m.
We will continue to step-it-up a notch, per Pirate standards, to make this race a night to remember. 
This ain't no weenie roast folks, this is hard racing and good fun!
Stay tuned! Cheers!


REDRUM - Results...

Pirate cXc’s Winter Night Race Series Race No.1 REDRUM
We Raced This! (but it was dry, dark & under a full moon)
( actual finish time / finish time including time bonus' )

Geared (6 laps)
  1. G-Wiz  38:09 / 25:39
  2. Shoffner  45:30 / 31:00
  3. Tige  39:00 / 32:00
  4. FlashGordon  38:10 / 38:10
  5. Hirtz  50:33 / 43:33
  6. Devine  47:00 / 44:00
  7. T.C.  50:33 / 45:03
  8. Worthy  47:15 / 46:15
  9. Mason  54:20 / 48:20
  10. Big Grin  48:25 / 48:25
  11. Snyder  50:32 / 50:32
  12. Nelson  50:40 / 50:40
  13. Chasm  52:18 / 52:18
  14. Freightcar  56:20 / 56:20
  15. Possum  56:45 / 56:45
  16. Bradley  57:03 / 57:04
  17. Ti_Leg  DNF (1 lap, broke arm)

SingleSpeed (6 laps)
  1. Speeding Jesus  43:30 / 32:10
  2. The Manimal  40:00 / 32:30
  3. Coletrain  39:59 / 32:59
  4. The Silent Killer  39:40 / 37:10
  5. Double-D  44:30 / 38:30
  6. Handelballs  43:20 / 38:50
  7. Cotter  43:59 / 40:29
  8. Bay  56:45 / 47:25
  9. Captain Cuntwat  49:10 / 49:10
  10. White Mike  58:30 / 54:00
  11. ChrisGo  DNF (5 laps, "too many brownies")

Fastest First Lap
  • The Manimal  6:38

Fastest Overall Finish (actual)
  • Geared - G-Wiz  38:09
  • SS - The Silent Killer  39:40

DFL (actual)
  • White Mike  58:30

DNF (Broken Arm)
  • Ti_Leg  (1st lap)

Best Costume
  • We can’t remember, but - Big Grin (tranny), White Mike (pseudo Elmo), Tige (KISS), Handleballs (fairy) are all honorable mention.

Best Crash(s)
  • Mark’s OTB at the Ladder Bridge
  • Ti_Legs broken arm tumble

Most Bonus Time Earned
  • Shoffner with 14 minutes (that’s nearly two free laps!!!)

Special Thanks to the Volunteers who worked their a$$ off so you could race and get wasted. If you see em’ around, buy em’ a drink.

The Tenant
The Silent Killer
The Manimal
And a few others who I can’t recall w/o photo evidence

Short Track...

Holy Shit!! Saturday night was phukin' awesome!!
Race No. 1 - REDRUM was a huge success. Here is a little something to hold you over until we get results posted and announce Race no. 2. Thanks to all of the volunteers and racers for coming out to ride bikes on what turned out to be a perfect night for racing!!! Stay tuned!
Image by Randy Braley Photography


Updated Race Info...

For those who pre-registered, check your inbox. 
If you don't have an email from us, let us know asap!


Redrum Course Preview...

The Redrum course is prepped and ready for racing. The course is short and super fast. The skull & crossbones on the map = obstacles, danger or time bonus' options. Get ready for pain.

Saturday Night we are going to have some good Pirate style racing fun. Per standard issue, we will be having a pre-race contest. Someone could die. Come prepared for anything.

Check out the post below to get your off-the-couch ass registered, if you dare...


Redrum - Race No. 1 Registration...

Registration for REDRUM, Piarate cXc Winter Night Ravce Series race No.1 is OPEN!

Only the first 40 registered get IN. 

How do I register?

  • Send an email to: singlespeedpirate@gmail.com
    • Email Title: REDRUM
    • Info Needed:
      • Name
      • Age
      • Email 
      • Phone #
      • Address
      • Race Catagory (Single Speed OR Geared)
      • Is this your 1st Parate cXc race?
      • Where did you hear about us?
What do I need to know about this race?
  • This is an underground race. Keep it to other cyclist who are like minded only. This is NOT a public event.
  • No License required
  • Helmet and lights required
  • All Racers must be 21 or older
  • There will be shenanigans
  • There will be obstacles
  • There will be time bonus options
  • It's a race/party atmosphere
  • It's for FUN
  • It's totally NOT legal
  • Mountain Bike recommended, but run what you brung
  • Course will be off-raod, dirt, rock, single-track, double-track, grass, snow, mud, ice, water, etc. 
  • Be prepared for anything!
  • Dress for the weather
  • Costumes Highly recommended!!!
All registered racers will receive a confirmation email saying that you are IN (or not in). Race location is kept secret until the night of the race. All registered racers will receive an email 24 hours before the race with info on the rendezvous location (within 30 min. drive of downtown KC). We will meet at this location on race day, then do a group neutral roll-in to the race course. You WILL NOT be able to drive to the actual course. Spectators are welcome, however they too will have to RIDE A BIKE to the course, about a ten minute ride. Bring what you need for pre and post race with you (backpack!). Race time will be approx. 1 to 1-1/2 hour(s). We will then all, as a group, roll back to the rendezvous point for the awards ceremony and after party.
Pirate cXc races are brutal, dangerous and far from the norm. It's a mix of fun, foolery, XC, CX, urban and kid-like riding styles. Think short-track dirt racing with surprises. If you are in general, a pussy or straight-edge - this is not the race for you. It's a group ride/party. 

Best of luck!

If you're registered, your name will appear HERE. Please allow 24-48 hours for you to be added to the 2013 registered offenders list.


Series 3, Race No. 1...

Pirate cXc presents
Winter Night Race Series Race No.1
Race Date: January 26th
Registration opens Saturday, January 18th at 10:00 a.m.
First 40 riders get in.
$10 entry. No License required.
Check back on Registration Day for more info, or check HERE. Get psyched!