12/26/2012

Tentative Race Dates...

Winter Night Race Series tentative dates are posted! Times TBA soon. Per Pirate cXc standards, race venue locations are kept secret until race night. Rendezvous location will be given to registered racers 24 hours prior to race events. All races are a within a 30 minute drive of Downtown Kansas City. All new courses on the menu for this series. Registration opens January 1st for Race No.1. It's gonna get crazy... stay tuned!

Race No.1, January 26th

Race No.2, February 23rd

Race No.3, March 30th

Race No.1 poster will be up this week!

12/11/2012

Image(N)...

One of our favorite images from last seasons Winter Night Race Series, Race No.1 - The Darkness
Here we have Speeding Jesus doing what he does best.
It's time to get all psyched into an uncontrollable frenzy for this seasons upcoming debauchery!
Dates are coming soon, very soon...

11/26/2012

Race Motivation...

We're getting geared-up for the Winter Night Race Series as courses are being designed, locations being solidified and sponsors are sending in the goods. Here we have Race Refreshments... More to come! Get Psyched!

11/08/2012

The Smack Down...

Series Trophy
- The following is a profane and somewhat foul account of Dirty Crits from the Preacher of all things gospeless, contributing writer Maxithad throws down a view of all things Pirate from deep inside the flask. You have been warned.

The Smack Down of the Century

  I awoke with an aching in my abdomen and a stench burning my braided nose-hairs; something was most definitively amiss. Could it be the six Guinness I consumed that belonged to a pink man named ChrisGo? No, that was just a violent wet dream. The only viable and feasible explanation could only be discerned through careful analysis of the previous night’s Dirty Crit Pirate cXc Race.  As with all the Pirate night races that I have attended, The Pirate -or Jack Sparrow as I refer to him during amorous liaisons -was up to no good, designing a course fit only for the Red Bull addicts and newly –coronatedColoradan weed whores.                                                                  
  But I'm getting ahead of myself…let’s get back to theairborne toxic event (Don DeLillo notwithstanding) . Because of the aforementioned difficulty of the course – where I easily lapped T-Donn *666 times – and the lack of Brownie hand-ups - I was hungry enough to eat the lint in Taylor Swift’s belly button after I flatted on the *347th lap. Beer is a charming meal replacement, and I frequently, and with great passion adhere to this well-known fact, but barley juice just didn't cut-it in the frigid post-race orgy. So, with much haste, I absconded from the bacchanalia and headed East towards the great K-7 death corridor.  At this point I was forced to make a decision: grab Taco Bell and piss my pants in the drive-thru; or speed home and eat a gallon of leftover spicy tortilla soup. After checking my handy iPad app that calculates my weekly intake of roaches and pickled mouse anus’, I decided to push on towards home and have a one-man love-fest with my microwave.  And so this brings us full circle to the inauguration of this emotionally challenged tirade: my enflamed nasal pathways and bloated gut.
  Let it be known that a bicycle seat is not an effective antidote to vehement, ferocious, contaminated sharts.  I put the blame for this nauseating episode solely at the erogenous feet of Capt. Sparrow and his torture-fest of a race; and I am consulting a lawyer so to collect on all damages involuntarily inflicted on me by said affair. As the CDC came to my rescue, and a quarantine instated, I began my recovery effort, emboldened by the memory of getting a hand-job from Handleballs, and a hummer from a rabid raccoon on the course’s detour through the woods.  I would have easily paid a purdy lady on Independence Ave. $11 to succor me through the tribulations that were so heinously forced upon me during this “race”, which resulted directly in the fouling of my chamois, but in the end, victory was mine, and the grand prize of a liter of EPO was immediately shot into my swollen member.
  On a serious note, now that Disney is in the process of raping – legitimately of course - Darth Vader, let me give many an accolade to the man and the legend, Mittens Romney… without which illegal night races and magic underwear-swapping parties would not exist.  In other, more coherent words, long live the Pirate, for without he-who-collates-social-miscreants, we who straddle the saddle would have nothing better to do on a callous Wednesday night than self-pleasure ourselves to old VHS copies of the 1998 Tour De France….or is that just me?



-Maxithad in the closet.  

Series Results...

Dirty Crits #4 - Series Championship
A race
  1. T-Donn 50:44
  2. Griffin 52.22
  3. The Manimal 52:35
  4. David 52:41
  5. Micah 55:18
  6. Hurricain 55:43
  7. Richard 55:50 ?
  8. Brett 56:20
  9. Dan 59:50
  10. John W. 60:11
  11. Schloegel 60:25
  12. Kyle 61:48
  13. Mark (4) laps 52:11
  14. Adam (4) laps 52:20
  15. Farmer DNF
B Race
  1. Handleballs 47:42
  2. ChrisGo 50:12
  3. White Mike 51:09
  4. Ray 51:10
  5. John 51:15
  6. Steve 51:39
  7. Justin 52:46
  8. Sarah 53:40
  9. John D. 54:11
  10. Teresa 59:16
  11. Shawna 59:20
  12. Greg 63:07
  13. Greg 63:27
  14. Brian ?
  15. Captain Cuntwat DNF
  16. Joe DNF
  17. Chris DNF
  18. Donica DNF
  19. Damon DNF ?
  20. Christy DNF
Series Champs A & B
  1. Griffin & Corbin
  2. Travis & Brian
  3. The Manimal & Justin
Times posted are final after time bonus' were calculated. If you neglected to slow down enough to give us your name or #, then it's your own damn fault if you got screwed on the results. Your Strava love is blinding.
Race Report to follow...Stay tuned! Until then, you can check out Burnsey's eye-witness report HERE.

11/07/2012

Series Championship Race...


Dirty Crits #4
Series Championships
TONIGHT!!!

Head on down to the Shawnee Riverfront CX Park tonight for some free racing!
  • A Race @ 7 p.m. - (5) laps
  • B Race @ 7:01 p.m. - (4) laps
  • Mountain Bikes OR Cyclocross bikes
  • Lights required
  • FREE entry
  • Helmets required
  • Prizes!
Directions are at the Riverfront CX website.
There will be shenanigans!

11/01/2012

Dirty Crits #4 - NEW Date & Time...

Dirty Crits #4 - Series Championship Race - Night Race
NEW DATE - Wednesday, November 7th
NEW TIME - 7:00 p.m.

Yes folks, you've read this info right. We are NOT racing on Monday. Mondays suck. You punk-ass-bitches who race all weekend are at the spa on Monday nights, getting your bikini wax's and pedicures. Now you sissy-boys have no excuses. Get here, race your damn bike.

This weekend we loose an hour of daylight (in the evening). This means that no matter what we mortals really want as far as daylight goes, it just isn't gonna happen. We're screwed.

To make things work, we are giving you two extra days to sit on your trainer, eat hostess cupcakes and swill whiskey in preparation for Dirty Crits #4. Here is what you need to know:

1. You will need LIGHTS.
2. Check the new Date and Time above.
3. That is all.

Oh, and a reminder that there will be a few prizes for those who dare to show up and race hard, especially those who raced the entire series - this IS the series championship race. We have a feeling someone is going to silently kill this one...big time.

Spread the word...


10/30/2012

Crits-N-Pics...

A little taste of Dirty Crits #3
Start/Finish

Stair Run-up

Spiral of Doom

Barriers


More Barriers

Off Camber Sand Pit - Exit

Off Camber Sand Pit -Entrance

Spiral of Doom


Soft Peddle...

Dirty Crits #3 went down last night in standard kick-in-the-balls fashion. We had a solid turn-out of folks ready to race in the light of the full moon - braving new re-routes, the Spiral of Doom, an off camber sand pit and attack dogs. It was a site to behold. Results and a crappy cell phone video are below for your viewing pleasure...

video
Results:

A Race (4 laps, short course)

  1. Griffin 31:09
  2. Chuong 33:13
  3. Brian 33:53
  4. Justin 36:37
  5. Jesse 36:38
  6. Travis wtf?
B Race (3 laps, short course)
  1. Handleballs 26:03
  2. Smitty 26:52
  3. Chris 27:18
  4. Dean 28:51
  5. Ash 30:12
  6. Donica 30:58
  7. Dungan 31:31
  8. Landon 31:37
  9. Chasm 32:53



10/28/2012

Halloween & Dirty Crits #3...

Be there, Monday night at 6 for free racing at the Riverfront CX park. Costumes highly recommended, that is if you want some free pirate booty... Bring your friends, be ready to test your skills on the new course - bring lights if you have them. We are psyched to see what happens when you experience the spiral of doom and the new off camber sand pit. Were bringing true Belgium style CX racing back. No more sissy-boy groomed city park bread and butter, this is a training course. Better wear your big girl pants...

10/25/2012

Classic with a side of Gnar...

Shawnee Riverfront CX Barriers; bunny hop attempt. MG cleared the first barrier, but not so much the second...
I hear that he did in fact clear them both on other attempts. We just got lucky that the fail was caught on camera. We're not shit talking here, well maybe a little, but the only way to get better at riding is to go for it. You can find MG killing it at most of the local races because he is in fact out riding his bike, hard - every day.  Still, this video is a classic.






Thanks for the video Chuong!


10/23/2012

Another Day in Paradise...

Dirty Crits #2 Race Report


With a hint of storms in the forecast we here at Pirate cXc were hoping for dire conditions for race #2, but the storms never made it and only left us with a pristine course and humidity levels of 101%. A solid crew showed face for what was to be a perfect night for racing. We had equal numbers in both the A and B races, and we ran the course backwards.
Since these are informal training races, Burnsey decided to ride instead of keeping everyone's individual lap time. We set-up a digital timer at the start-finish line so you could see your lap times as you flew by. It was up to you to get to the clipboard and write down your own finish time. This worked out well and allowed everyone on site to actually ride and have a great time.
Aside from racing and heckling, Handleballs somehow dropped his chain not once, but NINE times during the race. All but the last time, [he] caught back up to the main group. Summers flatted on the first lap only to put the hammer down and finish strong.
The Shawnee Riverfront CX Course is finally getting smoothed-out and the line is pretty darn obvious. It seems that folks have finally got their spine back and are giving the course a go. It's amazing the power that fear has over the weak minded. The goat-head thorn issue is non-existent ON THE COURSE. It's very important to understand that you need to stay on the gravel parking area and the mowed course ONLY. Cutting the course, especially riding the levee just to 'check things out', will get you a flat and a slap in the face. Wake up people.
We were sad to see a handful of folks that raced last week not return, I guess Joules CX and the Wyco MTB races over the weekend put some people in dire recovery mode. Our numbers would have been really large and racing would have been on a higher level had these few sacked-up and showed. We still had a solid turn out, more even than race #1, and everyone had a good time. 
Tige Lamb was there to push the A race. He's recovering from pneumonia and still showed up to race. Where the hell were you? There is a reason that some folks are fast and others fat and slow, living vicariously by reading about what goes down, how others stay motivated - if you call that living. Get out of that office chair and ride a Phuking bike people! You are a sad, sad human!

Dirty Crits #3 is Monday. It's Halloween week and we challenge each and every one of you to come in costume and bring a friend. We will race, have some post race refreshments and socialize. Best costume will get a prize. It's also getting dark early, so we recommend bringing lights.
Here are the final results for Dirty Crits #2. Hope to see you all again next week for more fun riding bikes fast!

Dirty Crits #2 Results

A Race (4 laps)
  1. The Silent Killer 39:06
  2. Tige Lamb 39:27
  3. Chuong 42:55
  4. Brian 45:00
  5. Ted 48:00
  6. Summers 48:24
  7. Wendy DNF
B Race (3 laps)
  1. Justin 34:19
  2. Kevin 34:36
  3. Kauk 34:37
  4. Burnsey 35:33
  5. Chris 35:57
  6. Handleballs 36:14
  7. Chasm 40:03 (kinda...)


10/21/2012

Dirty Crits #2 (Monday @ 6)...

Rain or shine, race at 6. 
Looks like we might have the FIRST TRUE CX CONDITIONS of the season. 
Can you hang?

10/18/2012

Dirty Crits #1 -Video...

If you are still a non-believer after watching this video, than we can't help you. Please enjoy this unedited Go Pro video taken by Brain, flying a motorized para-glider during the Dirty Crits #1 race this past Monday. You will come away from this either motion sick or uncontrollably psyched . 

Get down to the Riverfront CX park on Monday's through November 5th. Mountain & Cyclocross Bikes race at 6p.m., it's FREE. You will become stronger.


10/16/2012

Dirty Crits #1 - Race Report...

All things Dirty went down last night as we kicked-off the first of (4) Short track races at the Shawnee Riverfront CX park with Dirty Crits #1. A dozen core riders went head to head in both an A and B race, pushing through rough terrain, descending deep sand troughs, climbing stairs, jumping barriers and generally kicking a$$. 
Highlights from the A race; The Silent Killer was fighting the big dogs - Travis Donn, Jason Knight and Garet Steinmetz for the front spot every lap, rolling in with the fastest first lap time of 9:34. Eventually it was down to Travis, Jason and The Silent Killer on the last lap and through the finish with Travis pulling off the win by one second.
The B race was a bit more entertaining  with Brian taking the fastest lap at 11:16 and the win. Handleballs was in true Pirate form sporting a flannel shirt, PBR in his water bottle cage and rolling slicks on his touring bike. Everyone was fighting hard to keep in the game.
We had no mechanicals, zero flats and only one crash that I witnessed (Handleballs of course). A good time was had by all. We even had fly-by aerial video being shot of the race by some folks in their motorized para-gliders. A sight to behold. We hope to have some of that footage to show-off by weeks end.
Thanks to those who came out to race, especially the Ethos Posse who sponsors the CX park. If you had a good time, come back next week for Dirty Crits #2. Bring a friend or three, tell your pals. Lets make this event BIG. It's free, plus you get some training time in as well as some dirt. It's all good. 
We're calling out to the Parisi, Colavita folks - come down and get it done. What better way to have a team Monday night cool down ride than at the CX park. You know you'd eat this stuff up!

We dare you.... you're not scared, are you? 
A Race Results

B Race Results



10/15/2012

Race TONIGHT...

That's right folks, FREE short track racing, the first of (4) in the Dirty Crits series is at 6:00 TONIGHT at the Shawnee Riverfront Cyclocross course. See the event flyer a few posts below for more info. Course is in prime condition and ready for you to shred the gnar. 
Get some! See you tonight!

10/09/2012

Dirty Crits 2012...


To kick start KC Metro underground racing for fall/winter 2012, 
Pirate cXc presents... 
Dirty Crits


That's right folks! Pirate cXc is putting on a show-n-go, informal short track race series at Shawnee Riverfront Park. Untrue to Pirate cXc style, Dirty Crits will not host the typical shenanigans found at our Winter Night Race Series Invitationals. Rather, Dirty Crits are open to anyone and everyone who loves to ride bicycles fast. Come on out and test your metal against any number of locals on the new Riverfront CX course. 

Who will win the overall series? It could be YOU!

The Skinny:
  • Monday's (October 15th, 22nd, 29th & November 5th)
    • CX Race at 6:00 
    • MTB Race at 6:05
  • Races are held at the Shawnee Riverfront CX Course
  • Park address: 5800 Frisbie Rd. Shawnee, KS. 66226 
  • Helmets required
  • No Fee
  • No Whining
  • No Rules
  • Race duration will be about an hour
  • Rain or Shine!

Directions to the Shawnee Riverfront Park and CX course can be found at RiverfrontCX.blogspot.com

* Dirty Crits = group ride/mock training race, unsanctioned and unsolicited as anything more. No purchase necessary. No animals were harmed during the design of this event flyer or building of the race course.

Short Track Races...

 False Promises... Maybe (maybe not).
Stay tuned.

9/18/2012

Take Three...

About the "Summer Night Race" - it's not gonna happen. Instead we have a few, and I mean a handful of alternate plans in the works. We will keep you posted - not only on the Mountain Bike front but also the Cyclocross front. It's all a matter of getting the planets to align and our ducks in a row; which is hard to do when your drunk and under the rule of a repressing government. Stay tuned. Fame and glory are soon to be yours...

7/19/2012

(Late) Summer Night Race...

Yep, we're still here, alive and kicking. Plans for the Summer Night Race are still in the works, however with the current onslaught of heat and drought, we are pushing the race far into the depths of almost Fall, or possibly straight-up Fall. We are far too busy swilling booze at the local pool, watching babes jump off the high-dive to actually build a course. The heat, admittedly, sucks and is like kryptonite to our mortal bodies. The race will happen, you'll be notified last minute and expected to rally with the finest night racing freaks to be found this side of the Mississippi. Think Halloween-ish, costumes required, and more obstacles than Dolly has chest fat and you'll be well on your way to stardom. Check back, often, for updates.

4/02/2012

How The Deep Got It's Name...

A peek at The Deep course during Spring and Summer months explains the name. Most of the course is under water until winter. It is only then that we can cut-in the race course and ride what is now nothing more than a marshy swamp. Below are a few photos of the Log Skinny. Those who raced will be all too familiar with this little devil.

We've yet to get back on the other two courses to see how they've stood the test of time. I think we'll be riding those soon just to see. It was too much work building those race courses not to ride them now and again...

We here at Pirate cXc headquarters are still in the process of planning a possible Summer Night Race Series. At a bare minimum we will have a Summer Night Race. More info to come in the following weeks. If you would be psyched to do some Summer Night Mountain Bike Races, Pirate style, PLEASE show your enthusiasm by VOTING. Your vote and comments on this website are your voice and our motivation. Take 3 seconds and click a button on the top right of the site and let us know your thoughts. Feel free comment on this post OR email us with thoughts and ideas at singlespeedpitate@gmail.com
Thanks to all of you who Sponsored our Winter Race Series and to YOU; without you having fun on your bike, this these shenanigans would be as meaningless as...

3/13/2012

The Deep In Me...

(A first hand race report contributed by Pirate cXc Series attendee and sponsor Thaddius Maximus, Mr. Taddihogg himself)

Official UCI Race Report: The Deep 3.10.12

    For some reason, starting from the beginning seems trite and far too easy, but if a reverse analysis of this eponymous event – a la Momento or the superior French film Irreversible – were attempted, the brownie affect, better known as the ‘cocoa oh no edibles’, would inevitably cause irreparable injury to my frontal lobe. And, now that we have pretentious indie films and brain damage out of the way early, the rest of this testimony will be a veritable cakewalk, or maybe a powdered donut strut.
     Having never been lucky enough to be uninvited to the Pirates' Lair, my race actually started when I looked at the attached directions: Go straight (so hard for me these days) and then go left more times than Ricky Bobby. After missing the 154th left turn, I decided, unwisely, to just drive through some providential schmuck’s back yard instead of turning around like Mitt Romney. I figured, correctly, that this act would prep me for the likely violation of private property that would ensue once the race got underway after the late arriving hipsters got squared away. Love ya fer sure peeps. But in reality this allowed me to rest my flaccid loins in my not-unlike-a-solo-Cialis-tub-scene easy chair; for who could have foreseen the intense groinal abuse that my top-tube would induce only minutes later.
     The turn out for The Deep was impressively stellar: since I had a sandy giner – as did many- for the Artic Howling, the attendance for the final soirée was surlier than Ragbrai on steroids. And speaking of Iowa, where were you Zeke? I can only surmise that a PBR was lonely at Buzzard Beach and you were kind enough to stroke it lovingly into the bliss it so rightly deserved.
      And, now that I have burned more bridges than Madison County, I will consult with race commentator Bob Roll for his expert commentatoring expertiseness. So Bob, what the fluke was that crazy ass skills course all about? “ Well Maxithad, that shit was off the charts, those crazy fucktards didn’t even have their Road I.D.’s….for the love of Lance, I can’t imagine why they won’t go for a ride with me.”
Well Bobke, the whistle that the gap between your teeth creates on the Col de Azure is deafening that’s why… So yeah, as Bob elucidated so well, the pre-race endo-fest was not to be missed, especially if you did not participate, which is the very definition of “to be missed”. The highlight of this exercise in death wishy tendencies was undoubtedly G-wiz’s high-speed yard sail which sent him into an X-rated tree-humping scene that even I shielded my eyes from.  Due to his near-nudity, he suffered many life-threatening injuries, and was then life-flighted to the nearest Hooters for therapy. I chose wisely to avoid this blatant sword fight of a pre-race work out in order to save my energy for the lengthy and circuitous “neutral roll-in” during which my aero overalls decided to suck themselves into my front chain ring.  
     The starting gate was replete with tables of goodies and Liquigas girls, and the air was filled with the sweet smell of regret; which was actually my own stench – eff you Tom’s of Maine. The UCI official then began his legal rant: “If you are injured we will carry you to the nearby railroad tracks and call it a suicide.” ‘Nuff said’ as they say.  And off we went….the peloton voting against a warm-up lap – who needs a cerebral map in pitch dark conditions, anyway. I had the fastest ten feet and then…well, let’s just say for the record that a single speed ‘cross bike with many carbon bits does not bode well on a 3 foot drop in a bog. Other than that I was indistinguishable from Fabian Cancellara in my pink skin-suit, time-trialing for at least four seconds behind The Manimal as he lapped me, his junk flailing in the breeze. The course was flat, if you take out the muddy buddy sections that resembled – at least for me – a logging truck taking out a Yugo on an Arkansas forest road. And then it was a Dark and Stormy night….or was that just the dessert table; I am unsure still. So yes, for the record, the hand-up buffet was well stocked, and this time I opted for the time bonuses instead of actually riding fast, which is euphemistic language for the deadly sin of Sloth.  Kristin Bell, eat your heart out, baby. (Google that shit up homies )
      And, speaking of getting rewarded for being pretty….I was able to complete the final, penultimate, last, closing, conclusive lap in Depeche Mode – come on that’s “fast fashion” you rednecks – and then chuck my steed into the tall grass prairie that framed the start/finish so magnificently. I then jumped into my Slimen Und Grossen team car and was graciously given a massage – happy ending of course – as we sped back to the après competition festivities at the hilltop mansion of Captain Jack Sparrow. Can enough polite words be said about the Pirate himself? Me thinks not.  As Yoda would say: “There is no try, there is only do your worst and still gets ye a prize.”   Pyrotechnics aside, the soaring point  of the post-race debauchery was the Manimal and his secret stash of chips and guacamole; munchies I see your four of a kind and raise you $100.
     In summary, although I did not win, I absolutely did my best to not exceed, and I easily qualified for the ‘no hairy fat guy left behind’ grant from the plethora of sponsors. I stumbled away with a new carbon Niner and plenty of Tallgrass tallboys in my pants; the only true testament for success.

-The Maximus         ( a.k.a.  Maxithad the Absorbent. )

Photo Dump - The Deep...