Race Motivation...

We're getting geared-up for the Winter Night Race Series as courses are being designed, locations being solidified and sponsors are sending in the goods. Here we have Race Refreshments... More to come! Get Psyched!

The Smack Down...

Series Trophy

- The following is a profane and somewhat foul account of Dirty Crits from the Preacher of all things gospeless, contributing writer Maxithad throws down a view of all things Pirate from deep inside the flask. You have been warned.

The Smack Down of the Century

  I awoke with an aching in my abdomen and a stench burning my braided nose-hairs; something was most definitively amiss. Could it be the six Guinness I consumed that belonged to a pink man named ChrisGo? No, that was just a violent wet dream. The only viable and feasible explanation could only be discerned through careful analysis of the previous night’s Dirty Crit Pirate cXc Race.  As with all the Pirate night races that I have attended, The Pirate -or Jack Sparrow as I refer to him during amorous liaisons -was up to no good, designing a course fit only for the Red Bull addicts and newly –coronated, Coloradan weed whores.                                                                  

  But I'm getting ahead of myself…let’s get back to the‘airborne toxic event’ (Don DeLillo notwithstanding) . Because of the aforementioned difficulty of the course – where I easily lapped T-Donn *666 times – and the lack of Brownie hand-ups - I was hungry enough to eat the lint in Taylor Swift’s belly button after I flatted on the *347th lap. Beer is a charming meal replacement, and I frequently, and with great passion adhere to this well-known fact, but barley juice just didn't cut-it in the frigid post-race orgy. So, with much haste, I absconded from the bacchanalia and headed East towards the great K-7 death corridor.  At this point I was forced to make a decision: grab Taco Bell and piss my pants in the drive-thru; or speed home and eat a gallon of leftover spicy tortilla soup. After checking my handy iPad app that calculates my weekly intake of roaches and pickled mouse anus’, I decided to push on towards home and have a one-man love-fest with my microwave.  And so this brings us full circle to the inauguration of this emotionally challenged tirade: my enflamed nasal pathways and bloated gut.

  Let it be known that a bicycle seat is not an effective antidote to vehement, ferocious, contaminated sharts.  I put the blame for this nauseating episode solely at the erogenous feet of Capt. Sparrow and his torture-fest of a race; and I am consulting a lawyer so to collect on all damages involuntarily inflicted on me by said affair. As the CDC came to my rescue, and a quarantine instated, I began my recovery effort, emboldened by the memory of getting a hand-job from Handleballs, and a hummer from a rabid raccoon on the course’s detour through the woods.  I would have easily paid a purdy lady on Independence Ave. $11 to succor me through the tribulations that were so heinously forced upon me during this “race”, which resulted directly in the fouling of my chamois, but in the end, victory was mine, and the grand prize of a liter of EPO was immediately shot into my swollen member.

  On a serious note, now that Disney is in the process of raping – legitimately of course - Darth Vader, let me give many an accolade to the man and the legend, Mittens Romney… without which illegal night races and magic underwear-swapping parties would not exist.  In other, more coherent words, long live the Pirate, for without he-who-collates-social-miscreants, we who straddle the saddle would have nothing better to do on a callous Wednesday night than self-pleasure ourselves to old VHS copies of the 1998 Tour De France….or is that just me?

-Maxithad in the closet.  

Series Results...

Dirty Crits #4 - Series Championship

A race

1. T-Donn 50:44
2. Griffin 52.22
3. The Manimal 52:35
4. David 52:41
5. Micah 55:18
6. Hurricain 55:43
7. Richard 55:50 ?
8. Brett 56:20
9. Dan 59:50
10. John W. 60:11
11. Schloegel 60:25
12. Kyle 61:48
13. Mark (4) laps 52:11
14. Adam (4) laps 52:20
15. Farmer DNF

B Race

1. Handleballs 47:42
2. ChrisGo 50:12
3. White Mike 51:09
4. Ray 51:10
5. John 51:15
6. Steve 51:39
7. Justin 52:46
8. Sarah 53:40
9. John D. 54:11
10. Teresa 59:16
11. Shawna 59:20
12. Greg 63:07
13. Greg 63:27
14. Brian ?
15. Captain Cuntwat DNF
16. Joe DNF
17. Chris DNF
18. Donica DNF
19. Damon DNF ?
20. Christy DNF

Series Champs A & B

1. Griffin & Corbin
2. Travis & Brian
3. The Manimal & Justin

Times posted are final after time bonus' were calculated. If you neglected to slow down enough to give us your name or #, then it's your own damn fault if you got screwed on the results. Your Strava love is blinding.
Race Report to follow...Stay tuned! Until then, you can check out Burnsey's eye-witness report HERE.

Series Championship Race...

Dirty Crits #4

Series Championships

TONIGHT!!!

Head on down to the Shawnee Riverfront CX Park tonight for some free racing!

• A Race @ 7 p.m. - (5) laps
• B Race @ 7:01 p.m. - (4) laps
• Mountain Bikes OR Cyclocross bikes
• Lights required
• FREE entry
• Helmets required
• Prizes!

Directions are at the Riverfront CX website.

There will be shenanigans!

Dirty Crits #4 - NEW Date & Time...

Dirty Crits #4 - Series Championship Race - Night Race

NEW DATE - Wednesday, November 7th

NEW TIME - 7:00 p.m.

Yes folks, you've read this info right. We are NOT racing on Monday. Mondays suck. You punk-ass-bitches who race all weekend are at the spa on Monday nights, getting your bikini wax's and pedicures. Now you sissy-boys have no excuses. Get here, race your damn bike.

This weekend we loose an hour of daylight (in the evening). This means that no matter what we mortals really want as far as daylight goes, it just isn't gonna happen. We're screwed.

To make things work, we are giving you two extra days to sit on your trainer, eat hostess cupcakes and swill whiskey in preparation for Dirty Crits #4. Here is what you need to know:

1. You will need LIGHTS.

2. Check the new Date and Time above.

3. That is all.

Oh, and a reminder that there will be a few prizes for those who dare to show up and race hard, especially those who raced the entire series - this IS the series championship race. We have a feeling someone is going to silently kill this one...big time.

Spread the word...