9/21/2013

Torched - Race Info...

7 p.m. Check in at the pirates lair. Roll out at 7:30. Show and go. No prizes, no rules, no entry fee. Last ride with the Pirate. 18611 W. 66th Pl., Shawnee KS 66218. Bikes and lights.

8/30/2013

Torched...


Team 8 Lumens and The Pirate Crew present
Torched
A Pirate cXc Summer Night Race (and going away bash for The Pirate).
More details soon, but for now - MARK YOUR CALENDARS!!!

There will be a 40 rider limit. $10. Registration opens on Friday the 13th @ midnight.
Check back here for updates.


5/09/2013

New Cones...

There's a constant influx of race prep goodies here at Pirate cXc headquarters. We received a grip of x-cog cones today for future course marking domination. Keep checking back for our soon-to-be-announced Summer race event. We know you like different, so we're gonna give it to you.

5/01/2013

Summer Race?

Folks, it has been decided. By popular demand, we will be holding a summer race event. What, What you say? Yes, it's going to happen. We have several spectacular ideas that will turn your world upside down. Check back for further details in the upcoming week(s) and prepare for stardom.


4/12/2013

Fire & Film...

Thanks to TallBitch for the sweet footage of the race that never happened. enjoy! 

4/03/2013

Death & Taxes - RESULTS...

Death & Taxes - Results
March 30th, 2013, Series Championship
These are the official unofficial results of sorts. We had many folks roll through the finish line and not give us their number, or not finish, or lost their number, were totally drunk or too stuck-in-the-moment of the naked-fire-jumping to care. Some times and bonus' were simply not recorded for whatever reason, heck, we might have been to drunk - who knows. We sure hope that even though your skills of speed and bravery may not be reflected here, that you enjoyed the heck out of the race. Thanks to all who came out!

Results are posted as follow
Bonus Points / Actual Finish Time / Adjusted Finish Time
( ? = either we did not get a time, a # , bonus points or we have just no phuggin' clue)

Single Speed
  1. The Manimal  38 / 100:20 / 22:20
  2. Speeding Jesus  26 / 52:51 / 26:51
  3. Silent Killer  7 / 47:35 / 40:35
  4. HandleBalls  19 / 58:30 / 41:30
  5. DickBallz  18 / 112:00 / 54:00
  6. Britton  1 / 55:44 / 54:44
  7. Beej  23 / 120:35 / 57:35
  8. Pat  4 / 102:00 / 58:00
  9. Princess Bonerghost  ? / 59:59 / 59:59
  10. Taylor  ? / 103:52 / 103:52
  11. M@  4 / 112:00 / 108:00
  12. Cotter  ? / 101:31 / 101:31
  13. ChrisGo  26 / ? / ?
  14. Justin  ? / ? / ?
Geared
  1. G-Wiz  26 / 49:33 / 23:33
  2. Flash Gordon  10 / 47:55 / 37:55
  3. David  8 / 52:36 / 44:36
  4. Smoovranger  11 / 101:51 / 50:51
  5. Ian  3 / 54:45 / 51:45
  6. S.Kelly  ? / 53:25 / 53:25
  7. Kev  15 / 112:14 / 57:14
  8. Doug  11 / 109:14 / 58:14
  9. Sarah  5 / 108:50 / 103:50
  10. Classic Adam  ? / 107:10 / 107:10
  11. Levon  ? / 112:58 / 112:58
  12. Jones  1 / 117:26 / 116:26
  13. Chasm  19 / ? / ?
  14. Richard  17 / ? / ?
  15. Marian  12 / ? / ?
  16. M@  13 / ? / ?
  17. Max  8 / ? / ?
  18. Bruce  8 / ? / ?
  19. Kauk  6 / ? / ?
  20. Possun  ? / ? / ?
  21. Kacey  ? / ? / ?
Fastest Overall Finish 
  1. The Silent Killer 47:35 (actual)
Fastest 1st lap
  1. G-Wiz 11:31 (actual)
Best Crash
  1. Possun (Fire-jump OTB = broken fork)
  2. M@ (Fire Jump OTB)
  3. THIS guy
DFL
  1. ChrisGo (not verified, but you know he was just walking around the course anyway, with a bike...)
Skid Contest
  1. Chasm (Holy Shit that was money!)
  2. HandleBalls
Best Costume
  1. Chasm (Swedish Chef)
  2. White Mike (Sumo)
  3. Freightcar (Cactus, even though he did'nt race in it!!!)
Most Bonus Points
  1. The Manimal (38)
  2. G-Wiz & Speeding Jesus (26)
  3. Beej (23)
Series Champs
(present at and kicked ass at all three series races)

Singlespeed
  1. The Manimal
Geared

4/01/2013

Kill the Wabbit...


As is standard, we will attempt to alienate even the strongest of stomachs with the following and limitless writing contribution/race report from the artist formerly known as Captain Cuntwat. Just like our races, the following is not meant for the weak, in any way. We also recommend not reading this while eating anything similar to sour cream or bean dip. Dare you read on?
Easter Eve Massacre 2013.

     Before I can begin this event report in earnest I must relay some very exciting news that is of utmost importance to the picturesque landscape that these words will create.  Since the Supreme Court has now joined the 21st century and allowed me to marry my long-time lover, it is with great joy and girded loins that I can announce my matrimonial blessedness, and since he still sits on the aforementioned court he has granted my wish to undergo my *348th gender-reassignment surgery; thank you honey bunches, my sweet Justice Antonin Scalia. Without you I would still be known by the hurtful and degrading “MaxiThad”,  or even worse the violently racist “Captain Cuntwat”. So it is now that I can come back into the closet: my name is now Princess Boner Ghost.
    And so it goes, now that I will have not one, but two giant members with which to straddle my steed of FatBikes, I signed up for the eponymous last steeplechase in the 2013 winter night race series known to the populaces in the know as the PiratecXc.  It would seem to the lay(ed)man or woman that Commander Sparrow was up to no respectable acts of kindness yet again, sending out a pre-race email that was laden with insults and epithets, basically name-calling and hair-pulling – and I had just shaved my bikini line. But alas, this was not the case, for the weather cooperated and the Kona-flavored burrito tent was agog with 50+ entrants, promising their first born to the Devils of Dirt.  Little did they know that after the dooshy messenger-inspired pre-race skid contest they would have swamp gasses pugnaciously inserted into every orifice, mud and frog semen wiped across their lips, and skunk anal gland juice passed off as whiskey shots. Not to mention the cocaine donuts that were not worth anywhere close to enough bonus time. I will say nothing about the brownies due to my legal obligations and the simple fact that while my new hubby is all in for the butt sex, he is still not on the honorable side of the drug war.
     I could go on and on into infinity about my affair with my new Krampus and how it floated through the course with the glee of *126 eunuchs on meth, or how beyond overwhelming it was when I bunny hopped the fire jump in reverse, but that would be self-aggrandizing rubbish which I never stoop to the level of for any cost. Actually I will do it for $45, which un-ironically is my old rock bottom price for dirty sanchez’s.  But the star of the night was the course itself: it is hard to beat illegal night racing on your own private trail system; cut in by the bleeding hands of nine year old tranny boys who had just a week ago made my Ipad. It was splendidly replete with all manner of obstacles including many a bridge over the river Kwai, wherein the riders were assaulted with completely legal .50 machine guns and grenades filled with cherry-flavored alligator tears. Many a mishap ensued and many a captive were taken by the brutal slog through the murky jungles surrounding Mud Creek and the nearby railroad of doom – where last year the bottom ten finishers were sacrificed to the Goddess of Doprah.
    And now, ladies and germs, I will again resort to my fallback system of analysis, the simplest and most coherent of all tools of rhetorical boondoggles: the annotated list.  This time, though, I will use a more linear thought-process, and while I am nowhere near the town of Soberville, this will make complete and convincing sense to you, my beloved asshats.
35.  Concerning the “costumes”… White Mike again ruled the 3rd grade locker room with his Sumo suit…which needed about *457,000 big macs to look authentic. Chasm spanked the ape with his homo-erotic Chef Boy-Hard-Me suit….Chris-Go looked as though he had seen no mullet he didn’t love, and some dude who I was too drunk to remember his name came as a cactus; or was he a French tickler…difficult to ascertain.

78.  Fuck me with a WD-40 soaked tree branch!  Fucking Cotter beat me again…

32.  Chris-go humped my Pugsley so hard he poked a hole the size of Texas in the rear tire on the first lap.

47.  Posson needed some dental work, and like many Amarkans who have top-rate single-payer health insurance, opted for the self-inflicted bent-fork approach to getting a root canal. May the force be with him as he and his new fork that he won at the post-race bonfire ride off into the beer-soaked sunset.

12.  Randy Braley and his team of Victoria’s Secret photo assistants obviously had the most fun of the night. Situating themselves at the ladder bridge/Asian massage table/amphibian rape pool, they were able to archive the carnage, which supervened when racers were forced against their will to cross over a mile-wide, rat-infested, HIV poisoned stream.

69.  There were some hot chicks at the race, but I no longer concern myself with such frivolities, instead electing to go full hen.

78.  Handleballs just rules the known universe. The Energizer Bunny of mountain biking never fails to make me tingly in all the wrong places.

54.  I missed my opportunity to make my first million by not recording the mega-retarded-genius banter between Chris-go and Chasm during the after party…Jones and I were literally showing turtle heads in our lycra listening to their expositional eloquence.

57.  And last but not leased-to-own, let us all give a hearty air biscuit to the one and homely Pirate:  how the fuck could we, the lamest of all cyclists outside of the recumbent community, find a more ignoble endeavor than a no-holds-barred non-race; a veritable porn-fest on two wheels; an unfaithfully religious ode to the non-existent God of all things filthy.


Princess Boner Ghost reporting….

Images - D & T...

Thanks to Randy Braley Photography for capturing Death & Taxes in photos. 
Click HERE to see more...

Death & Taxes Race Results ARE UP!!
Thanks to all of YOU who came out to have fun on bikes. 
We had a great time watching things unfold. 
Hope you enjoyed the shenanigans!

3/29/2013

Race Info...

For those registered for Death & Taxes,
CHECK YOUR INBOX. 
The Race Info email has been sent. 
Contact us with any questions at 

THERE IS A TYPO IN THE EMAIL!!!
Nuetral Roll-In to the race course is at 7:30 SHARP!!! 
(not 7:00)

See you all tomorrow night for some hellish fun!

3/28/2013

Creek Crossing - Pirate Style...

Death & Taxes is FULL! See you all Saturday Night!

video
The Pirate crew went for a pre-ride of the race course last night. The new bridge was installed and we tested her out. It requires some skill and courage to ride - especially in those conditions (it was a wee bit muddy still from the snow melt). We have 48 hours for the course to dry out, but we are racing no matter the conditions. It was a sweet ride last night and we are psyched for the suffer-fest on Saturday.

3/27/2013

Costume Contest...

Racing Death & Taxes
Wear a costume, get half price entry.
Best costume is going to win something. 
It's Easter weekend, get busy!

3/25/2013

Get On It...

NEWS FLASH!!!
We just opened up TEN MORE SPOTS
We now have a fifty racer limit due to overwhelming feedback. Get in while you can. We will not go over the fifty mark!

Click HERE to see who's registered.

3/16/2013

Death & Taxes Registration - OPEN


Registration for DEATH & TAXES, Piarate cXc Winter Night Ravce Series race No.2 is OPEN!

Not only will be have Prizes for the top three in EACH catagory, but we will have awards for the SERIES CHAMPS!!! 

Only the first 40 registered get IN. 


How do I register?

  • Send an email to: singlespeedpirate@gmail.com
    • Email Title: DEATH & TAXES
    • Info Needed:
      • Name
      • Age
      • Email 
      • Phone #
      • Address
      • Race Category (Single Speed OR Geared)
      • Is this your 1st Pirate cXc race?
      • Where did you hear about us?
What do I need to know about this race?
  • This is an underground race. Keep it to other cyclist who are like minded only. This is NOT a public event.
  • No License required
  • Helmet and lights are required
  • All Racers must be 21 or older
  • There will be shenanigans
  • There will be technical obstacles
  • There will be time bonus options
  • It's a race/party atmosphere
  • It's for FUN
  • It's totally NOT legal, legitimate, sanctioned, etc.
  • Mountain Bike recommended, but run what you brung
  • Course will be off-road, dirt, rock, single-track, double-track, grass, snow, mud, ice, water, etc. 
  • Be prepared for anything!
  • Dress for the weather
  • Costumes Highly recommended!!!
All registered racers will receive a confirmation email saying that you are IN (or not in). Race location is kept secret until the night of the race. All registered racers will receive an email 24 hours before the race with info on the rendezvous location (within 30 min. drive of downtown KC). We will meet at this location on race day, then do a group neutral roll-in to the race course. You WILL NOT be able to drive to the actual course. 

Spectators are welcome, however they too will have to RIDE A BIKE to the course, about a ten minute ride. Bring what you need pre and post race with you (backpack!). Race time will be approx. 1 to 1-1/2 hour(s). We will then all, as a group, roll back to the rendezvous point for the awards ceremony and after party.
Pirate cXc races are brutal, dangerous and far from the norm. It's a mix of fun, foolery, XC, CX, urban and kid-like riding styles. Think short-track dirt racing with lots of surprises. If you are in general, a pussy, straight-edge, one who likes to bitch, etc. - this is not the race for you. It's a group ride/party and you are required to have fun. 

If you're registered, your name should appear HERE. Please allow some time before you freak out if you're not on the list. We Do send a confirmation email to those registered.

Best of luck!

3/10/2013

Race No. 3 - Death & Taxes...

Pirate cXc presents
Death & Taxes
Winter Night Race Series, Race No.3
SERIES CHAMPIONSHIP
Race Date: March 30th (Full Moon)
Registration opens Saturday, March 16th at 10:00 a.m.
First 40 riders get in.
$10 entry. No License required.
Check back on Registration Day for more info. Get psyched!
All Original Poster Art by Brennan O'Rourke - A-1 Tattoo Co. 2013

3/04/2013

Chicken Dinner...

Patrick May wins the 'Name The Contest' contest with "Death and Taxes". 

Thanks to Patrick the entry fees for race No.3 - will have an additional .70 cents added, and there will be more obstacles that will work you like a minimum wage job. 

Patrick just won:
-FREE Race Entry for YOU and a friend
-Front Row line-up at the starting line on race day
-Case of Guinness Black Lager
-8 1/2" x 11" laminated limited edition race poster
-Shout Out at Race No.3


Race poster and "Death & Taxes" official race announcement will be up on the website later this week! Congrats Patrick! In the case that you cheated your win, no worries - we have no rules.

Get psyched you mother-truckers for some hardcore underground racing action coming your way on March 30th!!! Death & Taxes is the SERIES CHAMPIONSHIPS!!! We have some SICK_A$$ trophy's to give away thanks to Somefearinhere !!!




Urban Legend...

Check out this sweet video of our friends at Street Cred pulling off yet another fine Urban Cross 'race'. If you missed this one, well....


And at HIGH NOON the Name The Race contest ends. Get your votes in ASAP (to the right) >>>

2/28/2013

Vote...

Our Name The Race Contest is down to the final four. Please turn your head slightly to the right, click on the name you most like for our Series Championship race!!! The name with the most votes Monday at NOON wins. We will make a custom race poster and award the person who came up with the name with some booty and race perks. VOTE on lads, and vote often.

2/25/2013

Black Beard Non-Results...

The race may have been cancelled, but the shenanigans went down like nobodies business.  If you missed out you missed out. It was a sight to behold at the Pirates Lair where time bonus' were a blazing and non-race contests of skills happened in the dark, cold moonlit night. Sitting around a campfire, a few true and brave souls warmed and prepared for stardom - that and to gain series points towards the big win.

We won't go into too many details about the snow cave squeeze contest or the fat bike chariot racing, but almost everyone gave it a go and I believe everyone got a prize. Results are below. 
The Fat Pearl Chariot
Handleballs in the Squeeze
Push!!!
Fire...
Cooler...
Black beard Non-Race Results
  1. G-Wiz & Handleballs
  2. Freightcar & Speeding Jesus
  3. The Manimal & Handleballs
  4. Corey & Double-D
  5. Dungan & Brandon
  6. Beej & Justification
  7. Max
  8. Lauren & The Bartender
Most Bonus Points
  1. Speeding Jesus OR G-wiz (were not really sure)
Best Crash
  1. Handleballs?
DFL
  1. Beej
These standings will be added into the overall series for the series championship title. You snoozed, you loose. 

Thanks to all who came out to chill around the fire and drink free booze!

Don't forget to enter to win in the "Name the Race" contest. We will pick a winner March 1st.

2/22/2013

NO Race, but......

Upon close inspection (We hiked the entire Black Beard Race Course), There is no way in hell we can make this thing happen. We are super bummed that we cannot get you all out racing. Spread the word.
If you were registered, you should have an email in your inbox with regards to the race and whats gonna happen instead. Cheers!
The Drop off Turkey Ridge - A Ski Slope.
Buried Singletrack
Bench Cut Climb #2 of 6 - buried
The Natural Log Ladder Bridge

Black Beard - CANCELLED...

More info, explanation and race email to come later tonight. We still plan to afterparty.

2/18/2013

Mapage...


Pirate cXc Winter Night Race Series - Race No. 2 - Black Beard, official course map (click to enlarge).

Race is THIS SATURDAY! Get Pumped, get Psyched and be ready for some PAIN!
Black Beard is twice the length as the Redrum course with many hard and steep climbs that will leave your quads blazing. We also have a few surprises for you in the form of new obstacles and the new pain-train section. 
Most of you will probably end up sitting on the couch eating Peeps with your hands in your pants, maybe even talking on the phone to your mom about how the storm of the century is keeping you on lock down. Just so you know in advance, WE ARE RACING, RAIN, SNOW, SLEET OR HAIL. This is a Winter Night Race after all, not some sissy love festival. Be there.
For those of you whom have yet to find your spine, better get to it. We have only a handful of spaces left for this event and the Pirate Booty is out of control! Keep your eyes peeled for the rendezvous and Race info email coming to your inbox on Friday.

2/13/2013

New Sponsor...

Kona Bikes is sponsoring our Winter Night Race Series for 2013. They sent a LOAD of goodies for YOU to take home from our races. Need a new fork or some handlebars? We got em'. Need some grips, a new tattoo...look no further  Special thanks to the folks at Kona for pimping out our bag-o-loot. Lets see who gets to take these goods home!

2/12/2013

REDRUM Race Footage...

Thanks to Speeding Jesus, we have proof that this race never really happened, really...



2/11/2013

Contest...

We're having a CONTEST. We want one of our beloved racers to NAME THE RACE, Race No.3 of our Winter Night Race Series. To enter, you can use one of the following options:

WINNER gets:
  • FREE Race Entry for YOU and a friend
  • Front Row line-up at the starting line on race day
  • Case of Guinness Black Lager
  • 8 1/2" x 11" laminated limited edition race poster
  • Shout Out at Race No.3

A "TOP FOUR" will be chosen by Pirate cXc staff - however, you're 'likes',comments, and votes will highly influence our decision. Once we come up with a "TOP FOUR" we will list them on the website and let YOU vote on the final winner. 

Like anything else that we do, there are NO RULES. Let the contest (and bribes) begin!!!

2/08/2013

BLACK BEARD - Registration OPEN...

Registration for BLACK BEARD, Piarate cXc Winter Night Ravce Series race No.2 is OPEN!

Only the first 40 registered get IN. 


How do I register?

  • Send an email to: singlespeedpirate@gmail.com
    • Email Title: BLACK BEARD
    • Info Needed:
      • Name
      • Age
      • Email 
      • Phone #
      • Address
      • Race Catagory (Single Speed OR Geared)
      • Is this your 1st Parate cXc race?
      • Where did you hear about us?
What do I need to know about this race?
  • This is an underground race. Keep it to other cyclist who are like minded only. This is NOT a public event.
  • No License required
  • Helmet and lights required
  • All Racers must be 21 or older
  • There will be shenanigans
  • There will be obstacles
  • There will be time bonus options
  • It's a race/party atmosphere
  • It's for FUN
  • It's totally NOT legal
  • Mountain Bike recommended, but run what you brung
  • Course will be off-road, dirt, rock, single-track, double-track, grass, snow, mud, ice, water, etc. 
  • Be prepared for anything!
  • Dress for the weather
  • Costumes Highly recommended!!!
All registered racers will receive a confirmation email saying that you are IN (or not in). Race location is kept secret until the night of the race. All registered racers will receive an email 24 hours before the race with info on the rendezvous location (within 30 min. drive of downtown KC). We will meet at this location on race day, then do a group neutral roll-in to the race course. You WILL NOT be able to drive to the actual course. Spectators are welcome, however they too will have to RIDE A BIKE to the course, about a ten minute ride. Bring what you need for pre and post race with you (backpack!). Race time will be approx. 1 to 1-1/2 hour(s). We will then all, as a group, roll back to the rendezvous point for the awards ceremony and after party.
Pirate cXc races are brutal, dangerous and far from the norm. It's a mix of fun, foolery, XC, CX, urban and kid-like riding styles. Think short-track dirt racing with surprises. If you are in general, a pussy or straight-edge - this is not the race for you. It's a group ride/party. 

Best of luck!

EDIT:
If you're registered, your name will appear HERE. Please allow 24-48 hours for you to be added to the 2013 registered offenders list.

1/31/2013

Redrum Revisited...

Per Pirate cXc standards, we post a race report from one of those who actually raced. Please, cover your children's eyes, close and lock the door, turn off your safe search mode and get ready to be totally disgusted or laugh your phuggin' ass off. 

Enter the works of the one and only Captain Cuntwat; the teller of fat bike lore, the drinker of Yak semen and the lover of three legged boys.

A Bountiful Booty...

It has come to my attention that my services are needed; that my millions of fans have been holding their collective breaths, waiting for any sign of truth to emerge concerning last Saturday night’s Pirate cXc debauchery, also known as the Saturnalia of Phat.  Now, you haters of pork beware:  the following invective, which is a diatribe of cellulite-like proportions, is likely to offend everyone equally, especially those who doubt the power of the plump.
     Since my recent sex-change operation successfully made me a master of three-hole insertion merrymaking, I have embraced only the sexiest of night bike riding. So with considerable haste, I signed up for the first Pirate cXc race of the season, which took place on a full moon – my normal night wherein I dismember sundry prostitutes – and was abnormally pleasant weather for late January.  In observance of my devout religious intolerance I arrived in drag, as did many, including White Mike who appeared as a transsexual Elmo, countless 11 year old boys stuffed in his pants. The award for most prideful costume, though, went to Mrs. Amazon Monroe, and in the end his amore por de gordo brought him fame and fortune beyond all measure.
     Wait just a fucking hour….what the heaven do costumes and vodka flasks on fatties have to do with illegal night racing? Well, let’s just say that a Pirate cXc race gives new meaning to “cross”.  Again I get ahead of myself.  What exactly happened that night is of utmost importance when one needs definitive explanations of how they awoke Sunday morning with an ache in their anus and their man-bag stapled to their thigh.  I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of the Deevil, but if he had a dog in the fight he was without a doubt present at the time-bonus table ( or maybe at the end of the teeter totter licking his chops ).
     Powdered donuts pair well with beer, so says the local UCI Cicerone, who checked my tire width on every lap, which disqualified me from my normal spot on the podium.  Even after I consumed *348 of Chasm’s tall-boys on the starting line, my virginal Krampus strayed mightily, careening off many tree-shaped objects, otherwise know as trees.  On one lap I was “legitimately” forced to taste baby gravy in the back of my throat, as Joel stomped on my glutes, which involuntarily sent my twins spreading across my top tube.  I recovered quickly with the help of my cheerleaders, and was able to catch him in the deep, dark forest and deliver a felch on a magnitude of 8.9 on the Richter scale….
     And as it has been foretold, I sense in my ADD infested, sixth grade dropouts I call my readers, that a more gay-forward approach is necessary:  yes, I will now provide a list of a despicably insufficient narrative that is not without its inherent risks.

1.      Chris-go rode my white fatty and valiantly rescued fairy wings that were abandoned after Handleballs had his way with them.
2.      Postal Jeff and his trusty MukLuk snubbed the time-bonus table in favor of the free Girl Scout pole dances on the backside of the course.
3.      Speeding Jesus smoked me in the single-speed class…as if that is a rare occurrence.
4.      Jack Sparrow blew himself…I mean to say that he flatted his fatty during the pre-race rituals and was forced to ride Axel Rose’s Stumpjumper to the start/finish.
5.      T-Don was utterly frightened by my blazing speed and because of this he did not race…
6.      The Manimal and G-whiz were so slow that they only lapped me *46 times, a complete disgrace for Ethos Racing.
7.      The Silent Killer continued his dominance by giving an old-fashioned to everyone who doubted the advantage of an obese steed on a course designed by racist circus midgets.
8.      Cotter drinking enough for a small German village and still finishing ahead of me…what the fark?
9.      Chasm showing the entire world how imperative it is to dress to impress, and to leave the back door of your PBR jammies open for business.
10.  And last but not leased: some poor schmuck tried to be Paul Bunyan and plowed into the flora, breaking his arm in the process.  Only the picture leaked of me humping a deer was less embarrassing, which goes to show, a Pirate cXc race is not for the faint of heart: only those born without one.

Captain Cuntwat reporting….